Silent Voices Rule the Night

Hey there infinite reality! I'm glad I got around to reading this! I think I'm just going to pick out some parts of this as I go and then sum things up at the end, okay?

First, I'd like to say I see some marvelous improvement from some of your earlier work; you're really nailing the characterization. Your characters were wonderfully realistic in this piece and you gave us ample time to get to know them and get attached to them. Bravo!

“Your father told us to crush them under foot,” the dwarf said. Two dwarfs stood alone, in a huge stone hall. Torches hung on the granite columns holding up the colossal ceiling, and they emanated the only light as the two figures conversed.

Very nice hook. The last sentence strikes me as a little awkward so try working with that a little.

“Then assemble two hundred troops,” the other dwarf, named Marcus began, as he paced back and forth and his face flickered in the torch light, “one hundred elites. We will grind their bones into powder!” he finally exclaimed. Marcus tugged lightly at his light brown beard in thought. Suddenly, his eyes hardened, and he motioned for the other dwarf to leave. The dwarf bowed, and kissed the ground at his feet. The scuffle of boots gradually diminished, leaving the dwarf all alone in the menacing hall.

Tugged lightly at his light brown beard? That sounds a little silly. And yeah, I know dwarfs are short, but is the dwarf really short enough that he can bow low enough to kiss the ground?

Marcus wore blue robes, like the purest sapphire, and when the light caught on them, they seemed to glow. His face was less beautiful, like a rough stone that had yet to be smoothed by time. His eyes were dark brown, and bloodshot. His skin was pale and cold.

I have issues with paragraphs spent describing characters when there is no POV voice involved. I guess it's all right, but maybe find a way to integrate this more thoroughly?

Slowly, he nodded to himself and drew an axe off his back. It reflected the light off its silver sheen, repelling it back and drawing shadows on the walls. His grip grew tighter on it, the blood leaving his hands as he walked after the other dwarf.

Blood leaving his hands? Are we talking about loss of circulation here? In that case, you might want to mention his hands getting cold so it doesn't sound like the axe magically washed his hands or something.

Marcus marched at the head of his army. Now ready for battle, he wore chain mail and held a huge round shield on his left arm. The boots of two hundreds full bread warriors beat the ground and it pounded the grass down into the dirt.

Hundreds should be hundred. Bread should be bred. And I think you can get rid of the 'it' in 'it pounded the grass into the dirt'

“And how many are there, sir,” the dwarf asked.

Don't forget your question marks!

“Who knows? You know my father, Forgus. He’s not a man of detail.” Marcus said and smiled at his companion. “But how is your wife?” Marcus asked his gaze focused on the Forgus’s grim face. “I imagine you will be a father when we return.”

Some nice characterization here!

“Oh I imagine very soon,” and they exchanged I knowingly look.

Huh?

“We could wipe them out with a quarter of this force! I could be back,” Forgus said as more tears dripped down his face. Marcus bowed his head.

He's crying? Huh. Very interesting choice of characterization. Not initially believable or expected, but you know your character best. If this is in character for him, it's some very strong characterization. Personally, I'd like to see more reaction from Marcus though.

“No, let’s wipe them out!” Forgus said deeply. Marcus motioned to his troops. They stood still and listened. He just looked at them and bellowed out his war cry.

Hmm, you're doing well with detail, but here's where I could think you could use more. I have a good feel for Marcus and Forgus, but I'm not very well grounded in your fantasy world and in the dwarf army yet. Some dwarf details may be in order?

The army seeped down the hill like a deadly poison. With moments they reached the goblin camp and the battle began.

Seems rather fast, but maybe that's just me

Marcus screamed and whirled to face opponent. Tears dripped down his face. The female goblin stood at the far end of the room.The room was empty of furnishing except bones that were scattered in piles on the ground. The goblin's children encircled her seething angrily. They looked at him, one of them holding an identical knife.

Wait, he's shedding tears too? First, find a different way to describe him shedding tears; don't use the same phrase you used earlier. Second, with the lack of other facial expression, the tears seem abrupt. Describing his face twisting would help, but also consider if he'd really shed tears or if he'd just be furious here...

As the scene progresses, you describe Marcus shedding tears two more times, I believe. Make sure you figure out different ways to convey that, maybe without using the word 'tears'. He can choke out his dialogue, tremble a little, maybe. That might help. With the absence of other signs of immediate grief, the tears just seem out of place, if that makes sense.

Also, proofread this. Durriedog helped you a lot with this, but there were quite a few grammar issues in here, so go back and read it aloud a few times, okay? All in all, this is very interesting. Your characterization is improving vastly, and I'm thrilled to see you steadily growing as a writer! Just remember to read what you are writing aloud. It will help a lot. Promise. Nice job and keep writing! PM me if you have any questions!

infinite reality wrote:Hey its IR here. This is the background of a character in a story im writing. Check the main story out, its Ballad of Blood, in fantasy. Tell me what you think. Now, this is pretty gruesome so be wary.

“Your father told us to crush them under foot,” the dwarf said. Two dwarfs stood alone, in a huge stone hall. Torches hung on the granite columns holding up the colossal ceiling, and they emanated the only light as the two figures conversed.
“Then assemble two hundred troops,” the other dwarf, < ( maybe add 'who was'?)named Marcus began, as he paced back and forth and < (maybe end sentance? ) his face flickered in the torch light, “one hundred elites. We will grind their bones into powder!” he finally exclaimed. Marcus tugged lightly at his light brown beard in thought. Suddenly, his eyes hardened, and he motioned for the other dwarf to leave. The dwarf bowed, and kissed the ground at his feet. < (maybe kneeled? Because it sounds like he's bending at the waist and kissing the ground. I don't belive they're that flexable! ) The scuffle of boots gradually diminished, leaving the dwarf all alone in the menacing hall. < (mention something about him leaving before this?)
Marcus wore blue robes, like the purest sapphire, and when the light caught on them, they seemed to glow. His face was less beautiful, like a rough stone that had yet to be smoothed by time. His eyes were dark brown, and bloodshot. His skin was pale and rough. < (nice description!)
Slowly, he nodded to himself and drew an axe off his back. It reflected the light off its silver sheen, repelling it back and drawing shadows on the walls. < (ahh... this sounded a bit awkward ) His grip grew tighter on it, the blood leaving his hands as he walked after the other dwarf. < (good, but it's not instant in understanding)

The green grass stretched far on the rolling hills. But even its beauty was shadowed by the icy capped mountains that encircled it. A dull shadow moved over the land, shaking the ground. Dwarfs, armed to the teeth, chanting war.

< (why the paragraph like this? ) >

Marcus marched at the head of his army. Now ready for battle, he wore chain mail and held a huge round shield on his left arm. The boots of two hundreds < (maybe only hundred? ) full bread warriors < (bread warriors??? Bwahaha!!!! Sorry I expect it's a typo, but it still made me laugh. ) beat the ground and it < ( they?) pounded the grass down into the dirt.
“Where is the goblin force, my lord, < ( question mark) ” a dwarf on the right of Marcus asked.
“Due north, an hour’s march,” Marcus replied.
“And how many are there, sir, <( question mark again? ) ” the dwarf asked.
“Who knows? You know my father, Forgus. He’s not a man of detail.” Marcus said < (comma? ) and smiled at his companion. “But how is your wife?” Marcus asked his gaze focused on the Forgus’s grim face. “I imagine you will be a father when we return.”
“She was in labor when I kissed her goodbye,” Forgus replied, the pain clear in his eyes. Marcus returned his gaze ahead. Forgus, like Marcus < (comma? ) was young. His eyes were still sparkled < (maybe another word here??? ) with life and he marched with a spring in his step. < (he used to be feeling pain. I don't think this is a good thing to say right after saying that. )
“What about you?” Forgus asked, changing the subject, “When will you,” Forgus said, and faltered, trying to keep his composure, “Be a father?” Marcus looked at him and smiled. <(slightly awkward)
“Oh < (comma? ) I imagine very soon,” and they exchanged I knowingly look.

An hour later, they reached the peek of a large hill. Below them was a goblin outpost. It was palisaded < (maybe a different word? You have a knack for using interesting words and I like it, but few will understand ) in, and smoke rose in tendrils from it. It was clearly not fully inhabited as only a few goblins milled around. Usually, goblins would be streaming in and out like ants in an ant hill.
“What is this? They’re merely refugees!” Forgus exclaimed in anger. Marcus looked at him and felt his pain. <(pain again?)
“My father did not say. He said there was an army, not a refugee camp!” Marcus said with Forgus’s same anger. A tear was dripping down Forgus’s cheek, and onto his beard.
“We could wipe them out with a quarter of this force! I could be back,” Forgus said as more tears dripped down his face. Marcus bowed his head.
“I’m so sorry,” Marcus said.
“No! It’s your father, that blood thirsty tyrant, sending us out to slaughter helpless refugees when I could be home with my wife!” Forgus said, and grew angrier.
“I didn’t know,” Marcus said. “But do we let them live, and allow them to destroy our land?” Forgus looked sternly,
“No, let’s wipe them out!” Forgus said deeply. Marcus motioned to his troops. They stood still and listened. He just looked at them and bellowed out his war cry.

The army seeped down the hill like a deadly poison. With moments they reached the goblin camp and the battle began.

Forgus’s eyes glowed with pleasure as his axe severed the head of a goblin. Dark blood sprayed out and it fell to the ground dead.
“Marcus, behind you!” Forgus screamed < ( this coulds a bit un-dwarvenly, scuse the made-up word )as a goblin raised its saber behind Marcus. Marcus wheeled around < (comma? ) cleaving the goblin in half and pounding the top half < (of him/it, maybe?) into the dirt.
“I owe you,” he said quickly before engaging with another goblin. Soon the forces breached through the walls leaving the mangled bodies of goblins outside. Inside, goblins waited, with red eyes wide with fear. A few unlucky goblins were crushed under foot and the other closer ones were silenced before they could scream.
Marcus fought along side with Forgus, and they smashed their way through the battle toward a huge structure in the center of the camp. It was a huge hut built out of sticks and mud; it loomed over the rest of the village with its size. Forgus trailed behind Marcus, still enjoying the bloodshed.
“This ends here,” Marcus said back to him, and they stopped at the front of the building. A female goblin appeared at the door of the hut. She screamed in a high pitched voice and disappeared inside. They exchanged a look of confusion.
“It could be a trap,” Forgus warned. Marcus froze in the middle of his step.
“Follow me in,” Marcus said emotionless and entered. They entered, and Marcus heard a gurgle. With a thud, he saw Forgus drop to his knees, clutching a knife that had pierced his throat. Marcus stared in horror as Forgus looked up at him and fell lifeless to the ground.
Marcus screamed and whirled to face opponent. Tears dripped down his face. The female goblin stood at the far end of the room. The room was empty of furnishing except bones that were scattered in piles on the ground. The goblin's children encircled her seething angrily < ( at the mother, or just because? ) . They circled her slowly and menacingly. < ( you already said that...) They looked at him, one of them holding an identical knife. < ( this is all a bit confusing)
Marcus roared again and charged them. He reached them, threw a child into the air, and smashed its skull with the butt of his axe on the way down. Marcus dropped his axe and snapped the neck of another with his hands. Still they climbed on him, biting and gnashing. Blood seeped into his mouth and his eyes grew bloodshot.
He stared blackly at the face of the last child, whose head was facing the wrong direction and he dropped it to the ground with disgust. <(confusing)
Finally he faced the female goblin, and picked up his axe off the ground. She scuttled back into the corner, whimpering. He strode over to her.
“Don’t even,” he said, and began to raise his axe.
“Please, don’t,” she whimpered. He faltered, lowering his axe and inch, and then he shook his head, and slammed it into her face.

So...... What'd you think. It's violent i know, and this event haunts Marcus for the rest of his life.

I really liked it and you have a brilliant and unique style of writing. This piece is very interesting but it needs serious reviewing. If this small tidbit is this cool, I can't imagine how good your main piece will be.

Durrance/Kate

We will grind their bones into powder!” He finally exclaimed.

Ugh, haha, I always have to tell people this! Okay, in a quote, if it doesn't end with a comma the next word begins another sentence and therefore needs to be capitalized.

His face was less beautiful, like a rough stone that had yet to be smoothed by time. His eyes were dark brown, and bloodshot. His skin was pale and rough.

Don't use rough two times, you already stated that his face was rough, try to use another word in the last sentence to replace rough

“Follow me in,” Marcus said emotionless and entered. They entered, and Marcus heard a gurgle. With a thud, he saw Forgus drop to his knees, clutching a knife that had pierced his throat. Marcus stared in horror as Forgus looked up at him and fell lifeless to the ground.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god! That's all I could say when I read this.. It was so unexpected! Wow, I can usually guess what happens in stories, but wow.

So...... What'd you think. It's violent i know, and this event haunts Marcus for the rest of his life.

I hope this isn't part of the story...


First of all - awesome story. Nice description!


Did this make you feel any emotion? A bit angry but sad too.

Were the characters believable? Yeah - I could imagine as if they were real.

Is this a good writing level to be at for a 14 year old? Age is just a number but considering most 14 year olds - of course!

Did it make you want to read more? Yes! I want to read a lot more. PM me when you update it or just use my thread.

Keep on writing! You have talent! I want to read more, you were steady with details throughout the story with a twist near the ending. It was awesome!

Logan. xLogan's xTravagant Reviews.

W.O.W.
I really enjoyed this. Your detail was captivating. I felt as if I was right there watching the whole thing.
I also liked how you were consistent through the whole thing. And how you didn't falter even when it got gruesome.

“Please, don’t,” she whimpered. He faltered, lowering his axe and inch, and then he shook his head, and slammed it into her face.

That part had me wondering a bit about Marcus' character. Like why did he lower his axe, as if thinking about it?
It left me with some good questions.
This reminded me a bit of Eragon with the dwarfs and the incredible detail and such. All I have to say is that this was AMAZING.
I'm looking forward to more in Ballad of Blood